Who Cut the Cheese?: 14 Terrible Baby Names

Everyday I become more and more convinced that parents are trying to make their kids' lives miserable. Let's face facts. Kids are known for being mean. So, why would parents name their kids something crazy, something sure to make them the target of ridicule for the greater part of their adolescent lives? Need examples? I thought you might. Here are some names I have come across recently. Some of the full names I have changed slightly, for identity purposes.

1. Michelin
Come on. We all know what you are thinking. "You named your baby after a tire". Good going, unnamed parent! Heaven forbid your child be a little hefty around the midsection....

2. James White Head
Let this be a lesson to all you perspective parents. If your last name is a noun, don't give your child an adjective for a middle name. What were this kid's parents thinking?

3. Bubba
Okay. A good rule of thumb is this: if you can see your child not being elected President of the United States because of their name, then maybe you should change it. Just a thought....

4. Fanny Whiffer
Wow. Why didn't you just name your daughter "Butt Sniffer"? Another lesson: don't name your child anything that has to do with a play on words or innuendo. Examples 5-9 are similar no-nos.

5. Mary A. Jerk

6. Envy Burger

7. Hugh Jass

8. Jermajesty

9. Candi Hamm
When I knew her, this girl was over 300 lbs. Yikes!

10. Apple
This example comes from my research into the world of celebrity baby names. Gweneth Paltrow named her daugher Apple, after a friend's daughter who is ALSO named Apple. There is not one, but TWO lessons here, my friends. The first: don't name your kids after food. This makes them one step closer to becoming a stripper. Good job. The second: don't name your kid after a friend's kid! They will always be hanging out and confusion is inevitable. I can just see it now... the last name of the Apples will be number one and number two. The following celebrity baby names are similar examples:

11. Poppy Honey
I loathe rhyming names. Why not just name her Banana Ramma Fofanna? Ugh!

12. Petal Blossom Rainbow
Can you say "Hippie"?

13. Peaches Honeyblossom

14. Diva Muffin
This should be on the Dunkin Donuts menu... just a suggestion.

With more and more of my friends spawning each year, I hope they heed my advice. You should too.

~Syleste~